Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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