The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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