I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
And then he peed in my hair
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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