If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
