we have pet lesbian snakes
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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