he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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