his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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