I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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