Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
whose ass print is on the piano?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I still have a little drunk in my system
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
