why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
