I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
