Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
