It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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