The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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