found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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