i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Randomize
