Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
