i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
