swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
