The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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