I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
