I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
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