Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
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