i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
