I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It's just like the Real World with babies
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
