its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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