He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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