I think I died a long time ago.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
