She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
