His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Everclear isn't food dammit
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
