my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
