Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
