he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
