He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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