Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
