Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
