Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
