Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
