I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
