I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
