I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
