We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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