I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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