So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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