pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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