He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
