Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
