Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
