the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
