the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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